Stay Here

The last two words my oldest son spoke to me here on earth, "Stay here."

It has been eight years and I haven't forgotten anything about the room where we laid, how tired we were, how close God was.  Remembering still brings a pain from deep within my soul to a lump blocking my throat. The only way to express all that is going on in my heart and mind are the tears that stream down my face, a quiver in my chin and a sigh of my heart.  "Stay here."

Powerful words that carry sincerity in its truest form.  I write when I think, which keeps the lesson He is teaching me fresh in my heart.  I have been holding and thinking on these words for eight years and I can't believe I have never written or shared --maybe it is due to how deep the lesson goes, making it difficult to express with words what my heart has known.

Daniel's last words to me ring in my heart most often when I say the Lords Prayer.  Particularly "Thy will be done on Earth AS IT IS in Heaven."  I can still hear the vocalist sing those words as she did on my wedding day almost 25 years ago.  All my life Earth and Heaven, Eternity and Now, Spiritual and Physical have all seemed so distant and unrelated. Telling me to stay meant he was leaving.  He was going so far away I could no longer see or touch him.  I would be unable to hear his voice or laughter.  Watch him fish, play soccer, hold children. No more punch kisses and the chase that ensued. Oh the anguish that fills my heart. When he uttered those words heaven was so close it warmed me, eternity was that moment and I could not see the difference between spiritual and physical things.  There I would like to stay.

I search God's Words for when He may have said those same two words.  I googled lyrics to songs to better understand the human heart behind those words.  I have found that there are three variables to the command - stay here: place, duration and commander.  James 4 warns us about our self-confidence in making plans of where to go and what to do for how long.  Even with the best intentions "what we ought to say is 'if the Lord wants us too THEN we will do this or that'" (James 4:15)  Where am I to stay - heaven or earth?  Who am I listening to - Love or Fear?  For how long must I stay - just for now or eternity?

Long before the day I was told to stay God whispered John 16:33 to my heart; "I have told you these things that you may have peace.  Here on earth you will have many troubles and sorrow but take heart, I have overcome the world."   Most of John 16 is devoted to Jesus comforting the disciples anguish that came with the realization the Jesus was to go and they were to stay.  Many of the questions I asked, they were asking too. Jesus wanted to explain and share so much more but they were not able to comprehend more than what He had already shared. Where was He going? To His Father. For how long? A little while.  Who said?! Gods Love.  For Daniel, the answers are all the same.

A faithful follower I want to be so I will trust and obey God's command to stay here while my oldest goes where I can not, right now.  Here -  where heaven can be glimpsed and eternity has already begun and spiritual life exists so deep within our physical beings that they can not be separated. Peace flows, joy bubbles, Hope springs, His love warms and His will is done here where I stay just like the place Daniel walks, not so far away.

"In a little while you won't see me anymore.  But a little while after that, you will see me again...So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again. Then you will rejoice, and noone can rob you of that joy." (John 16:16, 22)

The Heart is deceitful?

"The heart is deceitful above ALL things AND beyond cure, who can understand it?" Jer 17:9

I came across this verse several weeks ago when I was reading about righteousness and the imagery of trees in the Bible.  I love how God says things in such a way that they become alive, real and relevant to our hearts right now.  When I read the above verse I agreed with the question, who can understand  it, and this bothered me more.

I heard a recent sermon "For those to Good for Jesus".  I have met people like that and always struggle with how to show them we all need Jesus.  At some point of the sermon Jeremiah 17:9 came to mind along with Luke 10:27 "Jesus said ' Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and with all your mind, and Love your neighbor as yourself."   What does our heart have to do with what we think of ourselves and others?  Should we not trust our heart?  Isn't that where God lives?  If I don't trust my heart than how will I know what is right and what is wrong?  It doesn't help that at this same time one of our teenagers is struggling with this very thing and trying to personalize their faith in the process.  It is horrifying to watch someone else struggle with heart issues, knowing that my help isn't what they seek.

The deceitful heart is only mentioned one other time in the Bible, Hosea 10:3.  After comparing Hosea and Jeremiah I found that in each instance either corporately or individually a human was put on the throne of their hearts.  This was evident in self-confidence, government power, wealth, and/or military power.  The hearts of many people loved the comforts and instant gratification the flesh had awarded them.  These same hearts soon found death, destruction, pain, desolation, anger, hurt on every level of the human experience.  Who can understand our heart?  God and Satan.  They war for our hearts.  Satan has a head start because we are born with sin and deceit in our hearts.  The easy or wide path is to remain on the ride of worldly pleasure that comes easy and with little pain but costs our entire life and is fleeting in its pleasure.

Our heart is also where love pours out.  God is Love.  He too is in our hearts but we have to choose who we will allow our hearts to serve.  God or Satan.  God will not stay where Satan lives.  He despises sin, evil, hate.  We can not understand our hearts. So to have confidence in our ability to balance sin and love is selfishness at its peak!  I have seen ultimate selfishness and it does not bring the confident one joy, peace, or any other fruits of the spirit because God will bow out and let you try and run your heart.  This gives Satan free reign to use your heart to reach others and cause them to love themselves.

How do we cure our heart?  We don't. There is no cure. Healing is possible only if you are willing to look to the Creator of your heart (Psalm 139) and accept His self less mercy and amazing grace.  When you find healing your heart will overflow with the Truth found in unfailing love your Creator gives. You can receive this unfailing love by believing the Truth found in His Word - God Confidence not Self Confidence.

Lord, help me to love you unfailingly with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength and all my mind.  Be King of my heart every moment of my days. In You may my confidence rest. Amen.